Dealing with Family and Keeping Sane over the Holidays

Keeping It Queer
By Erica Chu


Dealing with Family and Keeping Sane over the Holidays

It may not seem like it quite yet, but the holidays are quickly approaching: Christmas music is playing in stores, Starbucks has red wintery cups, and our coveted vacation days are fast approaching.  Whatever holidays we observe, his time of year is supposed to be happy and wonderful, but more often then not, it ends up too busy and extremely stressful.  Holiday pressure only becomes more complicated when we have to consider our families and the expectations they have for us. 

Happiness seems far away when all we want is acceptance, but for many of us LGBTQAIs, mothers cry, fathers disapprove, siblings say terrible things, and grandmothers refuse to talk about it.  Family gatherings are often pressure-filled opportunities for us to feel strange, unloved, and pushed back into a closet.  Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but bear it, but that means being good to yourself is all the more important.  To help us as we enter this holiday season, I have four reminders for we who scurry around trying to please family and keep sane.

Don’t be afraid to say no.  My grandma never liked Christmas, and when my uncle died one December, Christmas became even more difficult for her.  For the sake of children and grandchildren, she has bravely endured the holidays year after year, but I know she’d rather skip the whole thing and stay home reading a book.  I admire her devotion, but at some point, you’ve got to just say no.

Sometimes, you just can’t not show up for the holiday gathering, but don’t let your feelings get swept under the rug.  Every year, people try to get my grandma interested in shopping, watching holiday specials, or cooking special foods, but she says no.  She brought a ten-dollar bill for each kid, a frozen apple pie, and her books, so we leave her in peace to read.  Like her, you may need to make room for yourself in the social systems your family creates.  So tell your mom you’re bringing your boyfriend for dinner.  Tell your dad you’re playing by his rules this year, but next year will be different.  Tell your nieces and nephews you love them dearly, but you hate the sugar cookie tradition and this year you’re bringing Oreos.

Savor time with your chosen family. Many in my family disapprove of “my lifestyle,” and when I’m with them, I feel out of sorts and not myself.  When my chosen family gets together though, whether at a restaurant or someone’s house, I feel just fine.  We love each other, support each other, sometimes get on each other’s nerves, but mostly just enjoy each other’s company.  Because these relationships are so fun and often easy, when it gets busy we tend to push them down on our priority lists, but even when you have more social obligations than time, remember your chosen family.  You need them just as much as they need you.

Be nice to your given family.  When family is unsupportive or just plain stubborn, we wish we could just forget them.  I think it’s worth considering whether or not your birth family should play a significant role in your current life, but no matter what you do, remember to be kind.  Make decisions that are good for you and fair to them, but even when your family is dead wrong, the pain they feel is very real.  Demonstrating kindness during difficult times is never the wrong move.

Give where it makes a difference.  Be good to yourself, make decisions that are good for your mental health (and your credit score!), but remember there are a lot of people suffering in this city.  It’s good to be reminded what they’re going through and help where you can.  Your aunt may never come around to appreciating what you have to offer, so trying to impress her with your green bean casserole may just be a frustrating waste.  The folks down at North Shore Housing and Support Services, however, would love a good casserole.  When you use your resources to serve those who actually appreciate it, everyone wins.

You deserve sanity (and happiness too).  The holidays are hard, and family even harder, but be good to yourself, and you’ll make it through.  You might even find a little happiness along the way.


Erica Chu is a student at Loyola University Chicago and is seeking a PhD in English with a concentration in Women Studies and Gender Studies.  She manages the blog keepingitqueer.blogspot.com and can be reached at ericachu@msn.com.